Why hello 2010...

It’s New Year’s Eve in 2009…only 7 hours until we’re in a whole new year, a whole new decade! I still feel like I should be in high school getting ready to graduate and not be a working, home owner, and independent woman (I am a woman now?!). 2009 was interesting to say the least! Totally didn’t end up the way I thought it was going to. I’m sitting here trying to think of some major events that have happened this year, but I’m having a hard time remembering haha…I’m getting old! Oh wait…here we go:


• The first thing that sticks out to me in 2009 was the whole septic tank fiasco! That sure took a long time too! At least it felt like it.


• I turned 23 years old…yikes!


• I got a new nephew!


• I worked two jobs for 4 months to make some extra cash…that was a lot of work!


• Finished up the siding on the front of the house and made a new garden! I found out that I really like gardening too!


• My brother and sister in law came to visit from Brooklyn with both the boys!


• Roommate moved out…


• Tore of the back of the house and put siding up back there…


• New roommate moved in…


• I quit my job after 6 years without really having a plan in place.


• Went to NEW YORK!!!!!!!!! Holla!


• Found a new passion for photography.


• Started going to a new church.


• Started going to a Bible study that I thought I never would go too. Haha…


• I got a new job that is not at all what I want to do.


So now I’m sitting here in my living room waiting to hear from some friends and thinking about this next year. I do have a few things that I want to make happen this year, not resolutions, but goals. One of them is starting my own photography business. I don’t know why or how, but the love for photography has bloomed in the last 6 months or so and I want to make it my work. I have found that being in an office in the cooperate world is not for me. And I truly do miss being in the ministry. Working for God and the church is truly something that is fulfilling and you know you’re making a difference in someone’s life as well as the Kingdom. I hope that this year will be amazing and that God will answer some of my long awaited prayers. I know God is doing something though and I’m more than ready for a new life. Looking back I know that I was getting bored and wanted to do something different than just office work, but now it’s more prominent that ever. I can’t wait to see what God is going to do with this. I also know that my relationship with God will be different…in a good way. I can tell already. I’m sure life will still be difficult and the trials will still come, but I want to be more focused on God than myself. I think I just gave myself a contract for major trails…haha…oh boy!


Anyways…welcome 2010! It’s very nice to meet…please be kind!

SANTA!! I KNOW HIM!!!

This is going to sound dumb, because most of you (the 3 people who read this) are going be “Duh, Theresa…where have you been?”, but I’m going to take my chances anyways…Santa Claus seems to overtake the real reason for Christmas and has for years, yes we all know this. But this year I’ve really noticed how much he seems to be compared to God. I was watching a movie the other night, and one of the kids said that he was omnipresent (present everywhere at the same time: the omnipresent God-dictionary.com). And there have been other things…small things I suppose to someone who doesn’t really pay attention (case in point, myself over the last few years). I’m not sure why, but we cling to Santa almost. We ask him for the desires of our heart…and it starts when we’re kids. I can remember making my Christmas lists in July when I was kid. As kids we can’t seem to contain the excitement of seeing him in the mall or knowing that he’s been in our house to leave us gifts. To see if he really listened and brought us what we really wanted the most. We would talk about him all the time and people would ask what we asked Santa to bring. As I realized this, I noticed how that’s what God wants from us. He wants us to cling to Him, to ask Him for the desires of our heart, to be excited about Him. To seek Him out…like a child. But I also realized, that I treat God like Santa in the since that I just give Him my list of “wants” and never really pay attention to Him. Like the Genie in a Bottle Syndrome, Vending Machine in the Sky mentality…whatever…I abuse His power and authority and the fact that my Daddy is the owner of this world. Then I throw a fit when He doesn’t give in to my wishes. God is SO much better than Santa! He doesn’t just come around once a year…He never leaves us. He doesn’t have to ask our name or if we’ve been good or bad, because He knows. He doesn’t just give us what we think we want; He gives us what we truly need. HE is omnipresent…and I really have a hard time believing He’s fat and has a white beard…and…He’s real.

Here's to a new adventure!

Today was not this first day of this adventure. I chose to walk out of a job that I’ve always known…where I was somewhat comfortable, loved and known…THAT…was the first step. Today was more of the 3rd and 4th step. I think I can say that I’m officially on my own. I am in a job that no one but God gave me and brought me. I am in a Bible study class where no one really knows me. There are a few people that I know, but not like what I was immersed in for the past 7 years of my life. This is a lonely step of faith, but it’s also one that has to be done. I have to go into survival mode and keep pressing forward. I have to keep my eyes on the One that does know me, because He’s all I have at the moment. He keeps me company and doesn’t leave me alone to my thoughts. In some ways, I feel like most of me is missing, but I think God is just replacing that missing part of me. To be honest, it’s rather scary and I feel very vulnerable, but at the same time, this is such a huge opportunity! It’s an opportunity for me to grow on my own (by that I mean without my friends and family to rely on) and to become more of the woman God wants me to be. A woman I need to be. I’m not sure what the next year is going to look like, but I can’t think about it that much. I need to take in each moment as it is. One thing I’ve learned is to never plan too far ahead…it never turns out the way you think or the way you wanted. That’s not really a bad thing, just can be discouraging at times. Tomorrow is day two of this new experience…I hope it goes well! Good night world.

A New Chapter

Tomorrow a whole new chapter in my life starts. It’s fitting considering that it’s the end of the year. It’s a fresh start, a place where no one knows who I am or what I’m like. That’s a little unnerving because of what people have said in the past about me, even though I know that those are just lies. All I want to do is put my best foot forward and be a blessing to these people. The last couple of months have been interesting. Not just for me either. What I’ve known ever since I was 18 years old, all the people that I loved and trusted, have gone and proven otherwise (the word “all” is a bit of an exaggeration, but 95% of the people).I am now having to rebuild my world so to speak. Well God is. It’s exciting and I am anxious. I’m meeting new people, attending a new church and I think renewing my faith in God. I’ve been very honest about my relationship with God. It’s been rocky and distrustful (on my part of course). Trusting is not something that is easy for me to do anyways, and with God it’s really weird. I trust Him in more ways than others. My hope is very small at times I’d say. Believing one moment that God will do what He said and the next moment my every wandering heart takes a new stance. I think it’s hard to trust Him because I feel like my heart is in a constant broken state and has a deep wound that I feel He can fix. Anyways, my point in all that is I’m hoping that in this new chapter that my faith in God will renew and be better than it was when I first believed. I hope that I will meet people to help heal my heart and help me to forgive the past and help me move forward. So here’s to a new chapter and new possibilities!

Wounds

I stand with my wounds

Naked, exposed and scarred

Look at my wounds

I cannot hide them

Many are scarred over

Many are still open

Some I have caused

Some you have caused,

Those hurt the most

I hold my heart to my breast

Protecting it from you
I stand with my wounds
Naked, exposed and scarred

Oh Winter...I loath you...

Its official...summer is on its way out and fall is following closely. That means two things...I'm going to lose what little tan I have, and winter is right around the corner!

I'm sad that summer is over, mainly because I have grown to despise winter. I'm not really sure why I hate it so much, but this year I'm truly dreading it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because it's not like I have any control over whether or not Winter comes or goes, and it's not like it's something new. It's consistent...

God is sort of the same. He's consistent. I'm not saying that I despise God, but I do have my moments when I throw huge fits because I don't like the season of life God has me in. Hmm...maybe that's it...I feel like my life is in winter...dormant...and I'm ready for something new, with color and warmth, but I can't because I have no control over that. Only God does and if I'm being honest, I'm not content with that.

I think this is a lesson I will always be in class for. I'm consistently discontent, and I have a hard time enjoying the "winter" I'm in and God is always reminding me to enjoy the moment, because I'll never get it back. I'll never gain a minute back, and I could miss out on what God is doing right now. I heard a saying the other day, "You're so used to losing, that you can't even tell when you're winning!" What if God is doing something right now in this winter? What if, what I think is winter, is really my summer? Could I possibly be that blind? Yes...I think I'm that selfish and that big of a baby that it could affect my line of vision.

I need to learn to enjoy the beauty of snow and the cool crispness of the winter air. I mean there are only certain things you can do during winter that you can't in spring or summer, like sledding and snowball fights. So if you're like me...I encourage you to focus on God during this time and rest in Him. He'll get you to your spring or summer, and if we learn to enjoy it, then maybe it won't seem so long.

I read this on a magnet at Barns And Noble and fell in love with it. It spoke to my heart at the time...

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." — Rainer Maria Rilke