Failed this week...

I've realized this week that I have failed at putting pictures up. This is actually a lot harder than it seems. Whats more is that I haven't had the motivation to do anything with photography the last few weeks. I know exactly why too! So I'm going to try and get out of this stupid slump. It's very frustrating. I'll get back on this...I have too! I have a lot to say, but honestly...there are no words to what all is going through my head these days. Nothing bad...just trying to figure out life and where God wants me and desperately seeking a new job. I've come to the point today where I believe I have exhausted the resources that I know of and I need to souly rely on God now. This has been a crazy and hard time. I'm getting there though...Here's an old picture...

Way behind this week...but here is day 19, 20, 21, 22 & 23

It's been a busy week and here I am on Saturday afternoon bored. Go figure. Have I ever mentioned how much I like to be busy? Ha...I rely too much on staying busy I think. I had a busy morning, but now it's just blah. I do have things I need to do around the house, it just doesn't sound fun at the moment. I haven't even really pulled my camera out either. Which is lame! I need to get back onto that. I'm looking forward to tomorrow though. I'm going to be singing at church. I haven't done that in about 3 months. I'm excited and a little nervous. Everyone on the team is really nice and have been super supportive. It's a nice feeling of being wanted. And I know this is totally of God. I see Him working in little ways these days...I'm still struggling a bit with some things, but I'm working through it. So here are 5 pictures...I'll be glad when it's next month and I won't have to take pictures of myself. I'm sure ya'll are sick of my face...ha.

Day 18: Emotional as usual

I really don't have much to say these days. Hence the picture...speechless. I think I'm processing more internally than outwardly, except that my body language shows how I'm feeling. Something I've never been good at. My heart is always on my sleeve. I do apologize if you're one of those people I take my frustration out on. I really don't mean it...I hate that I do that too. Why do we always take things out on the ones you love most? If you think about it...I could really use some prayer. I'm struggling with where I am in life right now and where God has me. I think I can say that I have no joy in most of it. There's a lot that I need to work through...I know that. Sigh...I'm just ready for God to move...

Day 16 & 17...I have a headache tonight...

I don't have to work tomorrow..and I'm very happy about that. I don't have much to say tonight,  so this is it. Enjoy!

Day 14 & 15

It's finally Friday! I cannot tell you how happy I really about this...I get to have a 3 day weekend! I so need it too! I chose these two pictures because I've been missin' New York and my family there lately and it's "throw back" week on Facebook and I posted this one. I was two years old.  I think I was a pretty cute 2 year old. Rosey cheeks and all. :) So something funny happened to me today. And by funny I don't mean funny haha...I mean funny as in "wow God really was listening" funny. When I first started my new job I had to take a personality test (which I should post some of the stuff it talked about, because it's pretty dead on). Well the guy who does the tests and what not came in to go over it with me. Super nice guy. His name is Erin (yes that's how he spells it). He loves God a lot and isn't in your face about it. I've never met Erin before today and as we were going through my test, we didn't get past the first page. He had asked me a question that led to a huge conversation about what I'm struggling with in life right now. I totally broke down in front of a man I have never seen or heard of before. And the cool thing is that he just let me cry. He didn't judge me or try to give me the "religious" answers to my problems (I've heard a lot of that lately). He did exactly what I think God would do...does...He spoke to me where I was at. Didn't except me to be anything more than what I was showing him and loved me despite the tears and struggles. I kinda laughed and told him, "I have no idea why I'm telling you all this...I don't do this with anyone". The really cool thing is that I know God had me there today just for me to speak out my heart to a man with an outside perspective getting advise from One who sees it all. He said things that I had thought in my head and never said out loud. Things I only said to God. He said something that really made an impact on me. He and I are the same personality type. And he has dealt with anger. He said that it really just comes down to our anger being fear. At that point I had stopped crying and then when I heard that...the dam opened again. For the longest time I have not been able to figure out why I have struggled with anger. I mean I dont' have a bad life at all. God has truly blessed me and I don't have a reason to be this angry all the time. However...fear...that I have a lot of. I fight that a lot...but not hard enough obviously. It's over rather stupid stuff too, but it's there. But because God used this man today, I now know what I'm dealing with and now I feel like I can take the steps to get over it. Wow...there was so much in that meeting that spoke to my heart and by the end of it I was tired, but left with some hope and little bit of relief. I believe that God is pulling me through this darkness and into the light and at the end of it I'll be more of who I'm supposed to be and trust Him completely. I have to stop being afraid of the unknown and just let Him carry me because only He can see.

Day 13..."I was alright...for a while....I could smile for a while..."

I know...I didn’t post again last night...and you’re only getting one photo tonight...but tomorrow there will be two. I promise. I actually didn’t take this picture, my mom did at our photography class, and I just edited it. You can tell how tired I am. But I really liked how bright my scarf looks. Definitely not how I feel these days...but it’s very pretty. :)


It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling lately with life and where God has me. I’m not very good at leaning on God, especially when I’m upset or hurting. Yesterday (and even a little today) I had a moment when I got home and just cried...then I ran because I was angry. Which on a side note, running when you’re upset makes you go farther and push harder. Anyways, after I was done crying, I wondered what some facts about crying are. I got online...googled it...and here are some things I found:


20% of bouts of crying last longer than 30 minutes



8% go on for longer than one hour



70% of criers make no attempt to hide their crying



77% of crying takes place at home



15% at work or in the car



40% of people weep alone



39% of crying occurs in the evening, the most popular time compared with morning, afternoon, and night (16, 29 and 17 per cent respectively)



6-8pm is the most common time for crying

 88.8% feel better after a cry

 47: average number of times a woman cries each year (I personally think it’s more than that!)

7: annual number of crying episodes for a man

Day 12

Feeeeeeeettttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! There's no point to this picture. It's just random. I don't have anything to say either...so that's it...just a random picture and a few sentences!

Days 10 & 11

It's another day and I'm just sittin' on the couch after a long day. Although it did go by fast. At lunch today I got out of the office (I normally do that...it breaks up the day) and spent some time with God. I decided to keep one of my Bibles and my journal in my car. That way I can just spend an hour eating and talkin' with God. It was nice just sitting there with no interruptions pouring my heart out to my King. I've been pretty emotional lately (more than usual...haha) and I just needed to tell God in one sitting how my heart is feeling. That hour went by so fast. I could've kept going...I wanted to keep going. It was like He was sitting across from me, enjoying some food and just listening. I needed that more than I realized. So...I'm gonna go get in my comfy bed and pray for good dreams tonight...last night was a bit hard in the dream world...haha. Good thing they aren't real right?

Day 8 & 9

I know, I know...totally didn't post yesterday. This past week has been very long and part of that is because I was waiting for something that I had to do yesterday. I was excited and nervous for it and now I'm just waiting to hear the result, which is making me impatient. Today I got to help a friend of mine paint his new office. He's in a new chapter in life and I'm very excited to see what God is going to do through him and this new ministry opportunity. But standing there, paint roller in hand, I had an overwhelming...oh what's the word...overwhelming feeling of loss I guess is what it was...is. I truly do miss being in ministry. The reason I know this for a fact is because now that I'm not in it, I feel a void that wasn't there before. I think a lot of this is contributing to my restlessness that I've been feeling. What's killin' me too about this, is that there's nothing I can do at the moment...I can't put the time into it that I want too because I work a full time job...it's frustrating. The good thing though is that I am very excited to help with what I can and this whole job thing is making me appreciate working in the ministry so much more. I went from literally 7 days a week to nuttin'! Talk about cold turkey! I was talking with one of my friends the other day and telling her how that everything I've known for the past 7 years is gone...except for the foundation. And my foundation is God. There are a few pieces of my former life/chapter...whatever you want to call it...left. But other than those very important people...everything is starting out new and fresh. That's a good thing too. I believe that I had hit my peak where I was, now that I look back at it. I've been trying to come up with a plan on how I could help out...quit my current job...work part time...volunteer the other time. Yeah...not so much. THAT would be moving before God said too...and just stupid because I have a mortagage to pay. I feel like the annoying excited puppy that wants to play...jumping up and down beside God bringing all my toys and tuggin' on His pant leg, trying to get His attention. And in the meantime, He's saying "not yet little one..." I can't honestly say I know or understand why God has me at this job that drives me up a wall right now...sigh....this is just making me more frustrated! I need direction.....

Day 7: Home again...

Just another night at home. I did accomplish a lot more than I thought I would tonight. We all have a room that is super cluttered and I'm no different. I can't stand clutter either, but somehow, I always manage to have it around me...and then it hits me! I go like a mad wild woman cleaning everything and rearranging and throwing a lot of crap that I don't need away. I managed to do this in 3 1/2 rooms this very night! And this picture is the aftermath of myself after it all. I mean I tore through this house. The laundry room...the living room (I moved the couch 3 times before I got it where I liked it)...the spare room (it was the most cluttered!)...and part of my room. I feel like I do this a lot. It's not that I'm fickle...or maybe I am...I don't know. But all of a sudden I feel a need to change something. I think it has a lot to do with control. It's one of the few things I CAN control for REAL. It's a good thing that I can't do this for my life because things would be a changin' all the time! I'm not entirely sure why I write so much because it's about nothing really, and I used the word "I" too much...and I don't like that! ;)

...well i'm off to dream world!

Day 6: Blah blah blah

Not sure what this look is all about, but I took this at work today. Now that I'm looking at it, it looks like I smelled something bad...haha...annnyyywaaayyss...I was really bored and I remembered my phone has a camera on it. Haha...so I played a little bit...Where my desk is, there is a large window with some beveling in it, so when the sun hits it just right there's a rainbow on the wall. The way the sun was hitting the window today my whole office space was covered in rainbows. I tried taking a picture of it, but my phone camera didn't do it justice. But it reminded me that God keeps His promises and that He hears and loves me. I had also received an email from one of my sister in laws saying that very thing. I think God was trying to tell me something today. A couple of weeks ago at church, the pastor spoke about trusting "the look" from Jesus. To trust that He knows what He's doing and that although whatever we're going through makes no sense and seems a little dangerous that if He's there...we're all good. That sermon in itself really spoke to me...God nailed me right in the heart with that one. The pastor kept saying "hang on...the answer is coming." Wow...if I could express the meaning of those words to me, I totally would, but I can't. I was speechless after that because it gave me a hope I had lost for a moment. Just like every time I see a rainbow...it's a reminder that God hasn't forgotten. Now if I could only keep that in mind everyday, I think I'd make it each day a little better.

Day 5: I'm ready for bed...

I really should be in bed right now, but I'm not because I need to keep this up! This picture is 4 years old, it was when I bought my house and doing all the remodeling. This one day in particular, I was overwhelmed and tired, and since I didn't take a picture of myself today, this one pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. Have you ever wanted to fight for someone but couldn't because it would just make things worse for that person? Or had the trust of people you thought were fair and right, be completely shattered? Then you can put on top of all that the daily grind and little things that add up (plus paint fumes). And that will get you a face like that! I know this is a new year, but there are still things of last year (just a few months ago actually) that are still affecting people that I care for very much. It makes me mad as hell. For two reasons; 1. I can't protect my friends and loved ones from pain that they don't deserve. 2. I want justice that I can't bring. There's something about me, when I'm on your side...I'M ON YOUR SIDE! I will die on a hill with and for you if I believe you were wronged. I know this is something that only God can deal with, because...well He sees the big picture and knows the true truth and He's the only one who is just. He says vengence is His. Hmm...I really should do these when I get home from work and not as I'm falling asleep. God please protect my friends and family. And above all, help us to remember to glorify You when we're (me) ready to jump the gun on going into battle.

Sweet dreams world...

Day 4: Shoooeeeeessssssssss!

There's one thing I love about being a girl...and it's all the pretty and girlie shoes that are out there! Many of them are way out of my price range, but that doesn't make their cuteness go away! For the photography class I'm taking, we have to take 36 pictures everyday of random things. My mom gave me the idea of taking pictures of my new shoes...and yes once again, I know...it's not me...but as soon as it's warm enough those babies will be on my feet and will be a part of me! I really like this picture...I'm not sure why, but it just makes me smile. Shoes say a lot about a person and how they are. These shoes for example probably scream "HIGH MAINTENCE!" (haha), but they are fun too! Other shoes sometimes say "I could care less about what are on my feet right now"...and then there are those that say, "Get outta my way!". There is no real point to this, I'm just rambling because I'm tired. So good night world! I'll see you bright and early!

Day 3 of 365

Today was a weird/frustrating day. I sort of know why, and they are reasons I don’t really care to share, but this is me at the end of it all. I did get to go to my first photography class with my mom though and we stopped by and saw my aunt and uncle on the North side of town, so it wasn’t that bad of a day…I’m just in a funk. Anyways, I have noticed how bored and restless I’ve been lately. I absolutely do not like this. So I looked up the definitions for both words; Restless- unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart. And the definition for bored is: One that is wearingly dull, repetitive, or tedious. Hmm yeah I’m pretty much both of those and at the moment I really don’t have anything of value to say. Haha…life will start to pick up I’m sure…and I’ll get out of the funk…I’m just ready for it to happen NOW. Did I mention that I’m impatient too? I have a lot to learn…I better pay attention.

Day 2: I've never had so much fun lying...

I know...this is NOT a picture of me...however, it is a picture of something that is a huge part of me. I was asked to be a pretend bride at a bridal convention today. No, I didn't get to dress up in a wedding dress or anything fancy like that, I was more less a seat filler and I got to bring a friend. So Nona came with me and was my pretend bridesmaid. We were asked who the bride was, which was me...haha...and was asked a couple of questions like, "what's your wedding date, where are you getting married...have you found your dress" and the one that I was somewhat dreading, becaue I dont' like to lie, was "how did he propose?". I totally stole my story and told how my brother actually proposed to my sister in law on Christmas Eve years ago. I was even on the VIP list, had free lunch, Champange and got a goody bag (which had arousal cream in it...I thought that was funny...and yes I'm saving it...hahaha). Anyways, most of you know how much I want to be married and how long to have my husband with me. I'm very sure of what I want and cut people off when they try to set me up with someone or mention anything along those lines. And today I felt a little silly but it gave me a chance to really speak out my dreams of my wedding because I am typical girl and have been planning this blessed event since I came out of the womb. So when I was thinking about my picture for the day this was the first one that came to mind. I actually took this yesterday at the Davenport Hotel. And it's my purity ring. My parents gave it to me when I was 14 years old and I haven't been without since. Before you ask...yes...I wear it on my actual ring finger. On a side note, it doesn't matter what finger it's one or even if you have one. For me though I'm very firm on my stance with having it on my ring finger. I get lectured a lot about how a guy won't ask me out because he'll see that and think I'm married. I dont' really care what other people think about it for two reasons: 1. I'm not someone who wants to date a bunch of guys...and 2. having that ring on my ring finger will not stop the man I'm supposed to be with ask me out on a date. So enough venting on that subject...I chose this picture because it's a symbol of my waiting for my husband. It's not just a stance on waiting to have sex, but how I'm actually waiting for my husband...my love...my best friend...It has evolved from a purity ring to a "Honey, I'm saving my heart for you" ring. I have no idea what the next 363 days hold for me or my future, but I know that I'm one day closer to meeting my husband and I will continue to wear that ring and wait. And someday, I'll take a picture with two rings and post that!

365 Day Photo Project

The more I get into photography the more I love it and the more I end up researching it! I've seen this idea in a few places and well, yesterday I decided I would do it for the new year. I think it will be a lot of fun and help improve my skills in this area. I'll take one picture a day and will change a theme every month...this month will be me...because that's all I can think of at the moment...haha...so here is my first picture of the year! There's nothing really special about it, I'm bored and just playing around with my camera. :)